It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
