I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize