I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize