brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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