my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
that may or may not have been my penis.
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