She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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