What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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