MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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