You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
