How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
