Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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