She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
