I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
