I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
