Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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