Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
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