The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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