your thong is hanging out like whoa
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
