This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
