woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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