You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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