I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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