it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
