Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
