I could make wine with my vomit
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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