i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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