In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
