I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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