I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
