I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
