Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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