the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
