I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
