do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
