My friends, they love my intelligence
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
