You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
