An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
