I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
