He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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