we have officially lost it.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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