The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Randomize
