I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
