Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
