Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
