ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
