Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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