Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
