Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
