He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
