Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Someone came in the potted fern
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
