who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
