Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
