any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
