wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
