It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize