I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize