I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
